Eternal Impressions

[Take zero][Last Take]

Aftermath

The morning next day was one of the most terrible mornings I have ever had. All night my mind had been revolving around the conversation that evening. The conversations we’ve had in the past, and the confusion that had been. I did not realize if I could sleep at all. My head was heavy, still loaded with thoughts, worries, desires.  Swollen by the hurt that it had been facing from within. These are a few things one should avoid at all cost. The biggest question constantly troubling me was ‘what now?’. I know her feelings, and mine. Is there anything in life that I could take control of? Should I leave or stay at this? I pushed my self up out of the bed. Walked down the isle into the other room. All my roomies were gone. I remember now they told me something about their sunday plans. Suddenly there was a sinking feeling as if I had been left alone in the world by everyone. Had I been totally wrong? Am I still the sought after fun guy, the life of every party, the cheerful person I though I was. Or was is it just me who had all the wrong notions about myself. I wanted to sleep again but it evaded me like everyone else today.

After preparing some tea for myself I had it while sifting through television channels. But nothing was soothing. All I wanted was to run away. That reminded me of the an old method I used to apply when I have been in such emotionally overwhelmed state earlier. I picked the cell and keys of the flat and went out. It was a typical mumbai afternoon, hot and humid, dust and smoke. But nothing seemed to repel me from stepping out. The idea was walk until I get exahusted. I have applied this in past. Whenever I am angry or my mind is clogged, I set out for a really long walk. And like everytime this time again it lasted at around five kilometers. Body was totally exhausted and mind was a lot cooler, all anger and worry was spent. And I knew I also have to travel the same distance back. I had deliberately left the wallet at home. Mind was more focussed on survival, and the thoughts of heart break seemed a lot pithy. Like everytime I was again red and tanned when I reached back and still had a smile on my face.

Love is never about the feelings, like or dislike of one person. It’s never what your love interest feels for you. It’s simply the bliss that one feels. It’s what one has always received from one’s mother. Love is in those harsh words of father, hug of sibling and concern of those seemingly careless friends.  It’s not that I was totally out of the thoughts of her, but I was well on my way out of the sentimental jungle. Strange thing… love always seems short and forgetting seems everlasting. There was still an undying hope that she would come back. Was it still about love or was it more about a selfish desire to satiate ego. Whatever it be, I still hoped she would someday realize the mistake and call me up to confess. I know it would be difficult for her. But she might give me a sign. Will she? How?

[To be continued...]

[Take Zero][Take 72]

Parting

Nikita was little surprised to see my response. Being prepared can sometimes give you ‘wow’ element. I was still happy to see her smile as she reluctantly opened up the wrapper and found her picture framed in an artistic wooden frame. I bought the frame at a museum once - because of its attractive oil paint on wood. She loves such art, and she loves all camera lenses from the front. She can pose for anyone with a camera, for strikingly long. Capturing her enigmatic eyes was always a warming experience. This was a solo pic I took of her in office. And so far it was my favorite. I took this shot in between the clicks. Just to capture the expression when she was looking straight in to my eyes, waiting to be clicked. I had stretched my arm and positioned the camera at a hand distance from my face, to take that natural pose.

With her confused expressions she kept looking at the picture for about a minute. She must be reminiscing those beautiful days. She hardly noticed when the waiter took my credit card for swiping and brought it back for me to sign. I was just watching her watch the photo. A lot of hopes still buzzing the brain. May be it would remind her of those few moments she felt for me. May be it would bring a smile on her face, when she is feeling low. And deep within the only honest hope was may be it will remind her of me and my love - and bring her back someday. The feeling that it is over hadn’t sunk inside till then. I was feeling pretty much the same as before the conversation.

We walked out to parking area and she was still holding that frame in hands. The gift wrapper stuck to some corners still hung on to it.  I asked her if she wanted to keep it in her bag so that she can sit properly. She just nodded silently and climbed the back seat. It was quarter past eleven, and only Mumbai is safe enough to roam around freely in those hours. That’s why I love this place. I like to drive, watching the moon, on yellow halogen lit roads sans traffic. It was perhaps my slowest drive ever. Though we were not conversing, it was perhaps the last few moments she’d be so close to me, and I really wish time could slow down a bit. But I’ve wished the same during every Math exam and it never came true. Moreover, If you follow the right road, and keep moving, you reach the destination sooner or later, even if you don’t want to. And so we arrived at the gate of her building. She was still holding on to the frame. I wish I was the frame. For a change, I stalled my bike on side-stand to bid her adieu.

Niks: So … (I knew there were things she did not know how to say)

Me: So… it’s time mam. You should leave.

And we shook hands. We do sometimes, while parting. But this time it was different. We looked in each others eyes and smiled. Both had eyes moist with emotions. Hands did not seem to be wanting to detach. Then they loosened a little. Just the three fingers touching and thumbs curved around. And then with time slowly the last touching fingers departed. I still don’t know how to say goodbyes.

[To be continued...]

[First Take][Previous Take]

The confession

My mind was really cold. Any answer, I knew, would not be able to do much to it.

Nikita: You are a really good guy. You can get someone a lot better than me.

Me: Hmmm if you insist… I will think about getting others too. But only if I am able to convince you first. [I shot back in jest]

Nikita smiled for a while and went silent. She looked concerned and tense. I knew she will have to go through these hard moments, her decision affects two lives. Or may be more. She said that she didn’t want to go against the family. I explained to her that we would convince them, I was never for going against the families too. She was mostly silent all during the meal - rarely seeing me in the eye. We were hardly eating. Food just acted as an excuse for us to sit without talking and still not feel awkward. She looked restless, fiddled with her cell, opened her purse a few times to check something, kept crushing her small cream hanky. We were just waiting for the bill (we still call a bill- a bill, and not cheque). I could feel that she is struggling to say something.

Me: Niks … Just say it!

Nikita: Are you sure you don’t have anything for Anjali? She questioned.

Me: Anjali???[Banged my head on the table... It's like a cricket match situation - Last ball, six runs to make and ball just drops an inch before the boundary- That's disappointment] Heck no… never in my thoughts… you already know she has a boyfriend… don’t you?

Nikita: Yeah… Sorry!

[She apologized quite a few times. Usually I do not take such things seriously, but I can't stand mistrust. What the eff? O' darling you are too narrow in your thoughts. How could you? Huh! I was extremely disappointed. Is she the girl I love? I don't know why, but I felt I was hurt.]

Nikita: Actually you know… I have thought about you. I do like you. You are all good. Though I don’t like your closeness with Anjali. I felt I did fall for you a lot of times… It felt like love. But you know… I am not able to feel for you now…I don’t know why. I am really sorry… I don’t want to loose a friend like you. But then carrying on will also not be good.

Me: Hmmm… Oh the feeling…hmmm… are you sure?

Nikita: I tried… many times… Yeah… I am sure about it now. (Her tone said she was convinced)

Hmmm… So that was it. I listened patiently, toying with my glass half filled with water, I felt my throat was dry as desert. She doesn’t feel it. It was over. I was still upset with the way she has been thinking about me and Anjaa. Is it just being jealous or is it about the personal attitude towards people. Nothing seemed to be logical. Anyway, it’s not a logical world we live in.

Niks: Are you alright? [She just pressed my hand a little with concern and shook me out of that reverie of thoughts]

Me: Oh! yeah…[I smiled!] Tum ho to… I’ll be alright, I’ll be alright … [I tried to say it singing] Here is something for you… Just for breaking my heart… [I said with a grin as I took a small packet wrapped in glitter paper, out of my bag. I still wanted to make it special.]

[To be continued...]

[Previous Take][First Take]

The talk

It was fun. I felt like I have captured the top of Tiger hill and victory was in sight. I had been given the sketch-pen and the map and I could now draw the line-of-control, the way I liked. Topic was up, loud and clear, and so were the intentions. I took a few sips of my lemonade and watched her toying with the spoon. I wanted to spend a few moments to observe and let the situation get a bit normal.

Me: Ha ha (an invented laughter) Moms are moms..you know… She wanted you to know that she is dangerous… ha ha ha… (a genuine one this time)

Niks: (Smiling)… You always talk to your mom like that?

Me: Yeah… almost always…

Pause. When the food is good, pauses tend to be a few munches long. You tear a bit of tandoori roti, look for choice of Veg/dal, soak the roti in the gravy and munch it. Repeat from step one.

Me: I haven’t told her about you yet… I mean not until what I said just now.

Niks: Hmmm… Who all do you introduce to her like that…?

Me: Oh no-no-no (Sniff! Sniff! something’s burning) I mean I have … but I haven’t told her much about you… [Pause]… Nothing about that I like you or have seriously thought about you… [Voila! I said it. Yes! Yes! Yes!]

Niks: (Eyes focussed at Biryani plate)Hmmm (humming in a feeble tone)

Me: You know … It won’t be difficult with her… I believe so… as yet… can’t say about the future though… But, she is most likely to understand and agree easily.. (Argghhhh what am I saying…did it make any sense)

Weather seemed to have changed a tad. I was feeling some droplets on my forehead.

Me: Actually I wanted to ask you if you’ve thought about my proposal

Niks: (With an innocent look) What proposal?

Arghhh! What do you mean what proposal? I escaped a cardiac arrest trying to tell you my feelings on chat one day. And she wants to play games. Common now! Don’t do this to me. Let’s talk baby… Your show of innocence is now putting me on rage. Cool down buddy cool down. Deep breath in, long breath out.

She too wasn’t able to handle the situation. Discomfort and restlessness showed on her face.

Me: Hmmmm! I really understand your situation. Since when are you facing these problems?

Niks: (Totally lost) Whaat?…. (paused ..perhaps to think again on what I just said)… prob…lems?

Me: Don’t worry! Medical science has found miracle drugs… oh and why go far… tonic for better memory are available in our Ayurveda. (I said with a very concerned expression)

Niks: (Cracked up) he he

Me: (Smile) Any way.. Let me revise it for you. I like you and would like to marry you… Should my parents talk to yours? Or would you …emm.. like to do it some other way.

Her face grew tense again. I tried to cool her down and tell her what this longing and confusion is doing to me. She tried to think, as it appeared from her expressions. I was already delighted to have expressed things that have been bugging me since months now. And I was also charged up to take any answer. The undying hope deep within gives me that strong optimism. I believe I always knew the answer. But will I be able to hear it from her? More importantly will she utter it now?

[To be continued...]

[Take Zero][Take SixtyNine]

The special meet -2

A straight talk can be so convoluted. All I needed to say was “I think I love you … What do you think…”? Instead, I was talking about office, movies, restaurants, cuisines, north-indian, south-indian and what not. It was all jokes and laughters. She looked so comfortable and happy talking about all the silly things that it was getting difficult for me to get serious. I so liked to see her happy. Why can’t this go on the way it is. Why do I have to break it? I was loosing control. Somewhere around the main course my phone rang and it was my mom. Mom still didn’t know a thing about Niks. We always talk after ten (post dinner), and share a lot of stuff… That’s almost everything. So I picked the phone laughing on something stupid I just uttered.

Me: Yes mom!

Mom: Hello! …[pause ...listening to my laughter]…what’s the joke?

Me: Ha ha ..nothin mom.. Whats up? [Signalled silence... It's Mom!]

Mom: (usual question) Where are you?

Me: (usual answer) Restaurant…dinner…[Still giggling]

Mom: (usual question)Who with?…  roomies?

Me: [Ooops! lump in the throat]… Naah I am with… mmm.. Niks…ita..Nikita! (where’s the grin and giggle)

Mom: Ok… Did you hear about ..blah ..blah.. is getting married …blah blah and in my office…and my meeting went well in… blah blah…who is Nikita?

Me: [Struck by lightening] Nikita… is…? [pause... We both looked at each other in silence and with an interrogative expression] … Nikita… who else could she be. Ha Ha.. She is… [voice kept getting low] aaaaa…an old …friend.

Mom: [Pause]… And?

Me: [Sheh! was she a spy ..007? She is never so inquisitive. Arghh... Nevermind...keep ticking!]… Ah! And …I don’t know…[A little loud and grave tone] May be she’d become your daughter-in-law someday... [Pause and laughters...]

And I wish I could explain Nikita’s did-he-say-that expression. Eyes wide open in wonder, breath on an indeterminate hold … hand holding the spoon in such a way that it was difficult to tell if she was putting something in mouth or taking something out of it?

Mom: [Laughs] Ok! Say Hi to her… and make sure she knows that I am dangerous.

Me: Sure mom...[Sigh of relief] ok talk to you later.

Mom: ok..bye!

Condition is out of danger now… but we’d need to keep a watch for next twenty-four hours. Ahhh! She caught breath, adjusted her expressions, eyes down looking at biryani… nose getting red and lips twitched a bit to prevent that smile. My mind went blank thinking to think about what to think next. I was all smiles as I silenced my cell and pushed it in jean pocket.

[To be continued...]

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Ujjwal

[First take][Previous take]

The special meet

Hope and despair love to play see-saw, but sometimes they resort to playing tug-of-war in your mind. I was not able to focus on things that made sense. Without doubt pisceans are dreamers. I had to go back to the future meeting many times a day. I was still thinking of how to make it special. I thought I’d gift her something that she would always treasure. So I somehow passed the week in a dreamy consciousness, like a zombie. And there, it was weekend again.

I wanted to set a few things up at the venue, so I had asked her to reach directly. I had planned a dinner at Shikara. Shikara is a theme restaurant near Vashi. Set up like a typical Shikara boat, colorful fountains on both sides, ducks quacking in the pond. The dim lights in the traditional ambience and a ghazal singer at one corner singing sweet melodies, gives the place an ultra-romantic flavor. I love ghazals, while most of the time she doesn’t understand them at all. I lost the compatibility mismatch counts in last few weeks. But it was supposed to be totally my day. I suggested the vocalist some light old melodies that both of us can enjoy. A little appreciation talk that I did with the vocalist when I was waiting for her to arrive, did the trick. She is quite a punctual person. She appeared clad in her black Indian suit around quarter to nine as decided. I just couldn’t help myself watching her  in awe while she carried herself like a royalty and reached the table. I stood up and pulled the chair for ma’m. While we exchanged smiles and pleasantries, waiter brought the shimmering scented candles. The beautiful brass candle holders were placed in two decorated brass bowls half full with water and had rose petals floating. Waiter carefully placed the candles on both sides, leaving space between us. It was an awesome arrangement. Our faces looked brighter and the world around stayed far into darkness. No wonder she was awestruck… Waiter was tipped enough to keep special services at our table.

Nikita: Aww! Mr. Ujjwal this is just too loveleeey… what’s the occasion? (Her face lit up in the candle light)

Me: (Smile)(Contemplative pause)(Smile)It’s queen Elizabeth’s birthday. (chuckle)

Nikita: Ooh! Hmmm ..no seriously your smile isn’t leaving your face…(wink) what’s the plan?

Me: Hmmm…(Weird thoughts strike faster) Well the plan was to drug you and take you home tonight… but I got lost in your eyes and forgot where I kept the pills. ha ha…(I was surprised at my own spontaneity)

Nikita: (Bursts in to laughter) thank God… please don’t do that... (giggling continues)

[Help! she wasn't taking the eyes off me... I hope the dim lights hide my face getting red... Nevermind eye know that eyes game... whoever blinks first looses... ]

We ordered for the starters. He suggested the best of the lot and we complied. After he was gone, we resumed our usual chit chat. It was one of the most interesting conversation we had had in quite some time. Breeze was cool that night. Being an open air restaurant we could directly sit under the stars and watch the clouds fly past the grinning moon. Nature was completely with me that day. I was sure it was time I could talk straight.

[To be continued...]

[Last Take][The very first take]

Final call

Sometimes feigning a smile also makes us happy. It is a reverse reaction. I have tried it several times. I tried many other things to avoid those senseless sentiments and confusion I have created for my self. I have always hated them. Amidst the questions, answers, doubts, emotions, sentiments, pain that had been haunting me, I realized that all this is just with me. She might not even be aware of what I am going through. An objective solution to it would have been to talk to her somehow. But the problem with getting emotional is that you start hating logic. And also start liking pain. Love with its pains and pleasures is extremely indulging.

Amidst all the efforts of keeping myself happy, there would be down times. Times when just standing in the balcony and watching the sky grow reddish and shadows getting longer, I would immerse myself in to the memories of those wonderful times we’ve spent together. Those moments still make me chuckle. And then the realization overbears like the dark night. The problem with growing up as a guy is that we have to unlearn crying. After years of practice we practically become unfit to cry. It’s a difficult process when tears come crawling by in to the eyes, slowly emerge from the corners and drop. One eye after the other. The face painfully stretches itself in a reverse grin and throat coughs with some inexplicable rattle. It takes a while to realize that it’s perhaps crying. Sometimes, I let myself free the emotions instead of carrying the burden. It works like a charm.

It was time that I again take a decision. But I was still not sure of her feelings. So I decided to try talking one final time. I wanted to express my feelings patiently. I hoped she would share her own frankly. And I wished she would burst open her shell and tell me her thoughts, feelings, confusions and constraints. Somewhere I still feel it can happen. I dream that she would someday just lower her guard and take me in to her open arms. And all the issues and constraints will have to bow down to our synergy. What a moment that would be. With all the hopes and fears I started thinking about that meeting. It might perhaps be the last time we meet. It may also be a new beginning. I wanted to make it special, we met in style and if we have to, we should depart in style.

I called her up. It had been quite a few days having talked on phone. I was thinking about what to say after ‘Hi’. A few days of distance and suffering had hardened me a little. Instead of bringing up the topic after a round of pleasantries, I could talk straight. I carefully thought of all details of the things I wanted to talk about. Also for reasons unknown, I was concerned about how I look, What I would wear, where to meet and how will I make it special. For once I wanted everything under my control. When I was done planning I called her up and fixed the timings. It had to be on a weekend, just the very next one. I also decided to focus on some work so that I get the weekend free of any trouble. Waiting for a meeting with her was always like surfing. Mind is in hang-ten, cautiously riding through the emotional crests and troughs. I would occasionally get overrun by the rising wave and tumble. It leaves that salty taste in mouth but I still enjoyed it.

[To be continued...]

[Take-66][Take-Zero]

A new day

Birthdays are special days. The energy that you feel from within is refreshing. You feel rejuvenated. There is a special glow on the face, may be due to the violent cake massage you have had last night. So I woke up early that day and wished my self a ‘Happy Birthday’. It had been quite late in the night attending calls from friends and relatives. Cellphone inbox was full, and first thing I had to do is to clear it up so that messages can keep coming. It was a great day in office and at home. And I had many memories of the day to smile at. Though I tried to care less, my smile was still missing her call/sms.

Was that asking for too much? Was I jumping to conclusions too fast? What if she tells me frankly that she needs space, or that she is better off by herself and I am not required at all. She can say things like ‘I can just be a friend, nothing more…’ that may be cliched, but I don’t think she cares much about innovation anyway. Is it not possible to be frank. Did she wanted to avoid being rude or did she even care? Each day I was just finding more questions staring at me, from myself and from friends who cared. Each day I was just rehearsing answers for myself and perhaps for them - all day long.

It is unfortunately a situation when I am thinking more about how do I explain it to others. My friends, who just don’t believe I tried enough. They still think I should do something about it. I am sure I dont want to do anything more. My I was at risk. I read somewhere that in love, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more. Bloody writers write such things and leave the generations pondering. How is it possible that I have such intense feelings for her while she has nothing for me? And why is it that it happens to so many of us. It must be something wrong with us. I never trouble God for such obvious issues. But who else could I talk to? I pray for guidance, I pray for her well being and mine. Sometimes, I just talk to Mansi- my missed call lady, discuss a few things at a very abstract level. It’s a lot of relief to know that somebody deeply trusts in everything you do. In this illogical world, friends are the people who keep you sane.

Her sms next day, with belated wishes arrived perhaps too late. I had already taken a resolution to keep myself happy. And that means I have to avoid being perturbed by things that are actually pretty insignificant when I look at the big picture called life. Giving too much importance to a feeling, incident or person is overrated. I was getting too deep in the pond, I needed to go see the oceans. I had a great time that weekend in my birthday parties with different groups of friends and colleagues. And fully enjoyed that special party with my Mumbai family. Everyone wanted to know why Niks was missing. Everyone, in their own minds, doubted that she was really unwell. I was just a part of everyone.

[To be continued...]

[Previous][First]

More oscillation

I learnt magnetism in physics. It’s wonderful. Opposite poles attract. They are separate but there is an invisible force, a pull for each other from within. I also learnt that if you let them stick, they slowly loose their magnetism with time. They are reduced to boring pieces of steel. I could see some similarity here. We are two very different people, who got together by some strange force. We are neither together nor far apart, like the two banks that are owned by the same river that keeps them apart. I fear if we could ever join. And even if we do, will it work out in the best interest of both of us? I had no clue. And I think the only way to find out was if we both tried to find out. Meanwhile, the distance that I deliberately created had only been increasing.

And things have changed, I don’t exactly know what has changed. Or how it did? But, I am kinda fed up of carrying the emotional burden. And I have realized that the worst part of the relations is when people do not talk. I am a kind of person who loves to talk the way through the problem. But, as we know, it takes two to tango. After having seen some clear signs of disinterest, I am again at the crossroads. And to be honest, this one is a much more serious dilemma. It feels like turning back. Giving in. Accepting defeat. What I didn’t like about this phase of life is that I was not yet able to smile about it. And as I believe, until you are happy about doing something, you are on the wrong track.

So it just so happened one day that after a small shopping session with her, I almost convinced myself that it was time to say “Next”. I’d need to get over it. But it so happened that everytime I start thinking that way, some arbitrary person from somewhere, who’d nowhere remotely be connected to my story would inspire me otherwise. They’d teach me to be patient and persistent. They would tell me (without even asking) some of the real solutions to the current dilemma I have. And with all those “Omens” I would get back in to the trying mode. The mode where I think, I dream, I constantly rack my brain as to what should I do now. Even in real, I would do all that I can humanly do, with a confidence to do a ten times more, “if required”. All I needed was a sign from her, a sparkle in the eye oozing interest, a simple smile showing care, a soothing touch of affirmation, a subtle expression of liking.

But the lady doesn’t talk. Every time I want to drive the discussions in this direction, the signal goes red. A person caught in an emotional reverie is unfit to find real solutions. In fact in that emotionally overwhelmed state of mind, it is even difficult to identify the problem. I just kept swinging between hope and despair like a an aimless pendulum. I badly wanted some external support, someone I can talk to, someone I can trust,  but knew I have to find the solution myself.

[To be continued...] [Hope and Despair]